Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Pardon the Interruption

I think i need to start doing what i want to do and stop worrying about what others will think. wear what i want to wear. style my hair the way i want it styled and stop worrying about the rest.

the only thing that should stop me is my income. if i dont want to wear that ________ (insert various styles here, it should be because i dont feel comfortable in it. not because im thinking about how others will see me.

i need to really start doing me.

i just got a natural hair style (two strand twist). although it's different from my usual pressed 'do, i kind of like it. it's easy, unhibiting, and to be quite frank, it's me. it's also not "beautiful". beautiful is weaves, long hair, and the like. it's everything i should be afraid to be. which is very unfortunate. and eventhough it's growing on me, i still find myself looking in the mirror with a disgusted look on my face. not because i hate it, but because i feel like they do. first of all, who the hell are "they"??? and why should i care what they think? second, if i like it, why should anything else matter?

everything else matters because thats how society conditions us to think. they throw the same blazzey blah type images in our face. and tell us that that is beauty. and if your not like that then your not pretty.

im a dark skinned black girl. with big boobs and no butt. i have a nice sized gut and just barely shoulder length hair. i have 8 tattoos. none of which are on my lower back, shoulder, thigh, etc. i dont party. i dont wear uber tight clothes. basically, i am far from what im suppossed to be.

as i write this, im realizing that a) i am waaaay off topic. this post was to be about hair. lmao....and b) i really need to get that image of what is beautiful out of my head. and be happy with who i am.

when i look in the mirror. im ahppy with myself. ive gone down almost two pant sizes in a year. i've cleared up my skin (i have eczema and used to break out a lot). i've learned to do my own hair. and most importantly i've grown and have gain a considerable amount of confidence. yet when i step outside, i lose a little bit of that confidence. and am consumed witho thoughts about how people may be viewing me. and that is not okay.

so from this day foward, i'm making a vow to myself. i will stay true to me. i'll do what i like. say what i feel. wear what i'm comfortable in. style my hair the way i want to. and embark on a journey to love myself and not worry about others. a journey to rid myself of this horrid inhibitor of shy-ness. i must smile at those around me. and i must not consume myself with negative thoughts.

i CAN do it. i SHALL do it.

it will be long. it will be hard. but it WILL be done. =)

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