I just want to be a better me

I love myself. love my flaws. love what I have become. But, it never hurts to better ones self. I want to lose weight. Grow out some thick, healthy hair. And continue to grow, learn, and love.

Today I did my workout tape for the first time in months. It's my first step to getting my body into MY ideal shape (emphasis on MY - i don't care what people believe I should look like, as long as I'm comfortable and happy, i'm good). As soon as I get paid, I'll be going out to purchase food that can't be prepared in the microwave. I'll be cooking dinner, not just heating it up (unless it's left-overs of course). And no more eating out as much.

I'll be really paying attention to my hair as well. Trying out products that I believe can help me get to MY ideal length - again, emphasis on MY. Same goes for protection styles. I won't be straightening my hair as much and I'll do the styles that I like. Screw what the "others" think!

As far as growing, learning, and loving goes, I'm in the process of doing that as well. Less mindless internet surfing and dumb shows. More books, documentaries, articles that teach and/or make me think, and reading Psalms and Proverbs nightly. I'm growing by relying on my own thoughts and not being swayed by others opinions, which actually leads me to love. By being more secure in my own mind and ways, I'm learning to be more secure in me as a whole which in turn becomes a love for me as a whole. By loving myself, I've also realized that I have a lot of love to share. I want to relinquish that love. Stop being shy, open up more, and just love.

I wrote this a while back, and I'll use it as the conclusion to this post:

"I want to love.
I have so much feeling in my body
So much love in my heart
An urge to nurture in my soul
And all I want to do is love.
I want to give it away
Share it
Explore it
And just love.
But I don't know how
And I don't know to who..."

I just realized that I used to be so freaking insecure, but I didn't even know it. I wouldn't look in the mirror and think about how much I hate myself, but I would dream about having better skin, long hair, just dream and wish that I was everything that I was not. I didn't like me, let alone love me. I over compensated. Always had to have name-brand clothes, nice new shoes, designer purse, and a fresh press. I alone was not good enough. I needed something else. I had eczema, so I couldn't wear makeup. So instead, I flocked to accessories. A whole bunch of bangles, cute earrings, rings, all of it. I needed them to distract others as well as myself, from the person that I loathed.

Now that I'm older, I love me. My chocolate skin, thick hair, almond shaped eyes, plump lips, nice legs, gorgeous breast, beautiful smile, cute nose, shapely legs, gut, no butt, and everything else about me, I L-O-V-E! It feels so good to look in the mirror and truly love what you see. To day dream, and see yourself just as you are. To take a picture of myself and not immediately edit the hell out of it. To wear accessories, not to distract, but to enhance. To wear clothes that I love and look good in, and not hiding behind jackets and loose tee's.

I'm happy and I love myself. And it feels so damn goood! =)

I got to see my brother play for the first time a few weeks ago.
that dude is freaking amazing. so damn talented.

i never realized how close i am to my brothers. we don’t talk everyday. but when i’m home and i’m around them, i smile more than i ever have.

they’re annoying. they have these crasy ass conversations that i have to remove myself cause i just can’t. they try to make me listen to waka flaka cause they want me to be dumb. lol. but i love them. if i ever lost either one of them, i don’t know what i would do.

i miss them, and i want them to be proud of me. i want them to look up to me. i want them to see me succeed, and then strive to do the same. they’re not taking my exact path. they’re young, so they mess up. it’s natural. but i don’t judge them. i talk to them. try to encourage them. but never judge them. just love them, and thank God for them.

when i first moved, i was upset that i was no longer the youngest. i had these two dudes that i had to set an example for. i had to be nice to them. but i didn’t know how. i was so mistreated by the older boys (and girls). so i didn’t know how. but i learned. i went away to school, and i missed them. but most importantly, i learned how to care. how to be a big sister, and how to treat them. i learned that my heart is filled with so much love for them.

this past Christmas season, i cried for my brother. i was angered by the way they treated him. and i cried. at that moment i realized, how much i love him. i looked in awe at the other one. at how much he’s grown. how talented he is. and how much i love him too.

i have two older siblings, and i love them as well. but the bond i have with my younger brothers is just unreal. i love those dudes. and i’m just now realizing it….

We're only 3wks into the new year and Im already feeling 10x more confident than I've ever been! Im loving my skin, my hair (in all its various states), my body, my brain and thoughts. Im just loving me, and it feels great!

As lonely as I am out here, it's nice knowing that I'm secure with myself. It's impossible to have someone love u when u dont even love yourself. I'm hoping that this year just gets better and better, and that I continue to love myself more and more. Hopefully this confidence and inner acceptance manifest itself on the outside and catches the attention of some wonderful people! =)

I Just Gotta Say

That I am freaking L-O-V-E-ing my hair right now!!!

It's getting so thick and healthy! I just...have no words. Its just so beautiful. and im so glad that despite what my family and others think about it and how many times they call it nappy, i can still embrace it, and fall more in love with it everyday!!!!