Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hair Post

I decided to wear my hair out today. I was pretty nervous at first. I thought people would stare the same way I was staring at myself in the mirror. lol. But once I get outside, I noticed that no one gave a crap. I got the same amount of looks that I would on a day to day basis. Realizing that people were too busy minding their own, I was able to relax. And once I did that, I forgot my hair was "different" (until I saw my reflection), and went on with my errands as normal. It was nice being free. Nice to just walk around like myself. It really felt good to like me and not worry (too much) about others perception.

I'm noticing that I'm not happy. I'm content. I'm content with myself. I like myself. I love myself, flaws and all. But I'm not happy. And I really want to be. I don't how to be though. And I think it's gonna take more than moving back home to get to happiness. Normally, this would be the point that I would say that I would be happy in the summer. I'll work my way to happiness when I have free time. When I'm having fun with family and friends. But not this time, that's not good enough. I have to work on it now. If I'm not happy now, I'm not gonna be happy when I'm home. It's not the city. It's me. I don't know why and I don't know how to get happy. But I do know that I need to change something. And I need to start trying to figure out exactly what it is I need to change before I go home.

Anyways, that was just a thought I had while typing this up. Some times, you just gotta let stuff out. With that being said, here are some pics from today:







I wanted to see how my hair would look in a puff:

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Changes



freshman year vs. senior year

*I don't bleach my skin. they were taken at different times of the year....

Monday, May 2, 2011

88 Degrees

The weather is heating up

So is my passion.

As this chapter comes to a close

My mind has taken on a new task

Revolution.

My drive is getting higher

So is the sun.

Something great is happening.

-I have found my purpose.


-Me.

Where are our leaders?

this is an excerpt from a "conversation" i am currently engaging in online. When the topic of who our generations leaders are, my response contained the following:

"i think our generations leaders will be discovered in the trenches. we can no longer look towards Hollywood or Capitol Hill or even the churches. There is too much money involved. and when money becomes a factor, the people's issues get pushed aside. I believe our leaders are the people who are tired of being looked down upon for being different. The women who are tired of being called nappy head because they refuse to burn their scalps. the men who don't want to smoke all day and chase pussy. These are going to be our leaders. They won't be found on our tv screens or in the white house. they're in our neighborhoods. they're our classmates. they're finding their voice. learning themselves. preparing for greatness. they have no interest in a reality show. no interest in materials or fame. they're main goal is to inflict change and understanding and resistance and individualism and revolution, one person at a time."


As I was typing that out, I realized that I want to be that leader. I want to be that person in the street preaching to the people. Letting them know that the media can not and should not define you. that you are great, regardless of what you are sold.

reason #3 for why I NEED to get this t-shirt line off the ground


*the fire keeps burning.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Nappy Head Pt. 2

Moving back home is gonna be difficult. Not because I won't have as much space or because I won't be free. But because my parents don't "understand" my hair.

Last night my mom said to me "whats up with the hair?" When I told her I liked it this way, she looked at me and said well you know it looks "nappy" right? I just looked at her. Had nothing to say. She then asked why I keep it like "that" and I told her it's cause I don't feel comfortable with my hair straight. I then proceeded to tear up and cry. I couldn't help it. I hate to cry, but at that moment I realized that this journey was no longer going to be easy.

I've been sheltered in SD. I'm out there with all those white people. If anyone says anything about my hair, it's usually a compliment. I can walk around my apt, shower cap on, dc-ing and pre-pooing in peace. Come June, I'll no longer be able to do that. Ridicule and side eyes await me at home.

I'm going to have to go at this alone in my house. Depending on the internet and my one friend to keep me from the flat iron. It sucks. I wish I had some sort of support at home. But I don't, and there is no use in crying over it (well, not anymore).

That conversation last night also showed me how necessary my t-shirt line is. Not just for me, but for anyone out there dealing with my same situation. Anyone being bought up in an environment where you're happiness in your uniqueness is being stifled by the systematic thoughts of a monolithic society. There is an official fire burning inside me. I thought I would be able to share my plans with my parents, but I know now that I can't. So I'll be going at it alone. And that's fine. I don't need a team behind me. Just a dream, a friend, and some faith, and I have all three.

I will be who God intended me to be. I will let my voice be heard. I will wear my hair natural and free. And I won't let anyone stifle me!


*s/n. I ended up lying to my mom and told her that I was crying because I was tired of being in school and SD all together. Which I am. I'm also nervous about what I'm going to do after school. How I'm gonna keep my bills paid, and etc. But not tired or nervous enough to make me cry. Those thoughts are easily forgotten with music and monster.com. lol

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Nappy Head

I remember one time my dad called me nappy head. It hurt me so much so, that to this day I still bring it up in discussions with my mom and siblings. Not that time he whooped me, the lectures, or the countless times he’s told me off for whatever reason. I bring up that one moment. That one word hurt me so much. Not the word itself, but the negativity and malice surrounding it. Nappy. My hair is nappy, and kinky, and coily, and curly. It’s beautiful. But at that moment, it was hideous. Ugly. Negative. it was one of my many insecurities.

I used to hate going outside of my house when my hair wasn’t pressed. My skin would crawl. Stomach turn. Complete anxiety over the thought of anyone outside my family getting a glimpse of my nappy hair. This is how I, and countless other girls grew up. Being afraid to showcase our crowns. Looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly girl. Ignoring our beauty.

It’s hard being burdened with an ideal beauty. Being one of the only races who can’t submit. Black, nappy, and curvy growing up in a place that worships pale, straight, and thin. It’s damn near impossible to have any type of self esteem.

But I do.

I’m more comfortable in my naps than I’ve ever been. And it for sure ain’t easy. I’m the only one with super coarse hair. My step-mom’s side got Indian in they’re blood (like, for reals. they really do). So it’s easier to manage their hair. And even though my maternal grandfather is something (I think Mexican. his cousins are straight up Compton cholo’s), my daddy’s genes are strong and I’m as black as they come. I think the difficulty of it all, makes my mental victory that much sweeter. To stand up and love me, despite what I’ve been trained all my life. It is a wonderful feeling indeed.

So, to all the girls (and boys) out there who feel the sting of the phrase “nappy head,” i feel your pain. But know, that you are beautiful. Wear your crown proud, cause it is glorious. Revel in the uniqueness of your tresses. Stand up tall, confidence and self-esteem intact, and let the oppressors know, that you’re not succumbing to the “ideal” anymore!

Monday, April 25, 2011

10 Myths About Introverts

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.

Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

(Source)


*If you ever wanted to know more about me.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Things I Want to Accomplish

  • Find a good career before summer ends
  • Explore Los Angeles county (and other CA counties)
  • Paint
  • Become a licensed nail tech
  • Create my own t-shirt line
  • Meet someone or experience something that inspires me to write everyday
  • Befriend some handsome, cool, creative men (and women-minus the handsome)
  • Publish my poetry (maybe)
  • Be more open and friendly, and loving
  • Get more tattoos
  • Buy a new car
  • Pay off all my credit cards

*might add more later

Monday, April 18, 2011

I want to paint

I've been wanting to paint for a while now. I'm not really sure why. But I have this overwhelming urge to just be creative. I'm no artist. But I do enjoy doodling (while I'm bored in class. lol).

I've come up with an idea to incorporate drawings and doodles into my poetry. I feel like it would be really fun to do.

My mind is everywhere. I'm getting excited for school to end and my life to start. So this is yet another reason for me to be excited for summer! =)


Until then, I'm gonna be glued to MS Paint. lol. And maybe some color pencils.



*this documentary I watched about Jean Michel Basquiat for sure is not helping my urges. lol

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Hair Post

I wore my hair out at school today. I've never gone to class or work with my hair just...out. It's usually in a french braid, twist, or a small puff. Never just out. Technically it is in a puff, but it's a big one. I added the flat twist in front because i couldn't go all out and just wear an afro. I also had to pin some hair up because the ends are straight and it looked weird. All in all, although I felt like some people were staring, I felt really good with this style. I felt confident and I really thought I looked cute with it. lol








the earrings:




**I can't wait for my hair to get bigger!!!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Hair Post

Here are some styles I tried out this week.



after I cowashed. Do you see that heat damage? It used to be worse. So I won't even complain.





tuck and roll. sorry the pics are so blurry. for whatever reason, i couldn't get a good pic. this style was very easy, very quick, and cute. however, it was a little too "nice" for an everyday style.





a roller set on wet hair. i was surprised i actually liked this. it came out much better than expected. i'll have to tweak it a bit. but it's cute nonetheless.







turban. i think this look is dope. and i will for sure be stepping my scarf game up. lol

here's the scarf:

I worked a soccer game on Tuesday. I really needed some extra cash, so I decided to sign up for it. I thought I was only working for four hours, but ended up working 8.5. At first I was mad, but hey, I needed money. And they paid in cash at the end of the shift. So I was good. lol. During my 15minute break, I decided to walk around the stadium. It was so weird. There was so much chaos surrounding me, yet I was so chill. It was relaxing walking around that stadium. The sun was out, there was a nice breeze, a lot of people, and just nice. Here's some pics I took:









I really enjoy these walks during the day. A few weeks ago, I walked around the stadium while at work. It was another pretty day. And the walk was just so relaxing. Whenever I go on these walks, I always take pics. I think I just like "documenting" my time. lol





Sunday, March 20, 2011

I get headaches
Little small ones
I feel my eyebrows raise
And my shoulders tense up
My eyes get heavy
And I sit
Not knowing what to do
Not knowing how to stop it
Combat it
Relax.
So I've forced myself to live.
I live with headaches
Tense shoulders
Heavy eyes
In a state of calm
A state of worry
A state of now...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I used my paper to write on....and I think I want to share

Not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon. Soon, I will share. Not all of them, but some. I'll let you in, so I can breath. And get closer to freedom.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Hair Post

*here are a few styles that I've been trying out. (VERY picture heavy)


































And a complete FAIL. lol :