Sunday, February 27, 2011

Nail Polish(es) of the Week

So lately I've been doing my nails twice a week. Usually Sunday and Wednesday. I usually don't have anything those two days (after work and school stuff of course). Last week I chose to keep it simple:



"Pretty Edgy" by Essie



"For Audrey" by China Glaze

Monday, February 21, 2011

MY PEOPLE

My people are Black, beige, yellow
Brown and beautiful
A garden of life
with a love as sweet as scuppernong wine
growing in muddy waters
making brown babies with
pink feet and quick minds
My people warm sometimes hot
always cool always together
My people let's be together
understand that we've lived together
understand that we've died together
understand My brother that I've
smelled your piss in my hallway
and it smell just like mine
understand that I love your woman
my sister and her rare beauty
is reason enough for a revolution
yes sister my honest sister
I have had ugly moments with you
but you are the only beauty I've ever known
Yes sister my honest sister
you are the joy in my smile
you are the reality of my dreams
you are the only sister I have
and I need you
I need you to feed the children
of our race
I need you to feed the lovers of our race
I need you to be the summer of my winters
I need you because
you are the natural life in the living
at night there is a moon
to make the Blackness be felt
I am that Blackness
filling up the world
with My soul
and the world knows me
You are that moon
my moon Goddess shining down light
on my Black face
that fills the universe
My moon I am your sun
and I shall take this peace
of light and build a world
for you my sister
Sometimes the waters are rough
and the hungry tide swallows the shore
washing away all memories
of children's footsteps
playing in the sand
where is the world I promised my son?
must he push back the tide
and build the world
that I have rapped about
Am I so godly until I forget
what a man is?
Am I so right until
there is no room for patience
My brother Oh in brother
father of a son
father of a warrior
My brother the sun
My brother the warrior
Be the beginning and the end
for my sister
Be the revolution for our world
turn yourself into yourself
and then onto this disordered world
and arrange the laughter for joy
the tears for sorrow
Turn purple pants, alligator shoes
leather jackets, brown boots
polka dot ties, silk suits,
Turn miniskirts, false eyelashes,
red wigs, afro wigs, Easter bonnets,
bellbottoms turn this confusion
into Unity Unity
so that the sun will follow
our foot steps in the day
so that the moon will glow
in our living rooms at night
so that food, clothing, and shelter
will be free
because we are born free
to have the world as our playground
My people.

- Abiodun Oyewole

I pray I'm not depressed

Just lonely

Just shutoff

Just trying to stay true to me,
in a world that worships the follower
Boring, mundane, basic conversations. I can't handle it anymore. I want to be mentally stimulated. Question my thoughts. Make me think. Push and make my mind go to places it doesn't often go to. I want knowledge. I want questions that I am incapable of answering. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want someone to look me in my eyes and force me to change my current way of thinking. Force me to mature. Force me to question the logic I've grown fond of.

It hasn't happened yet. But once I meet someone who is willing to constantly engage me in a good, complex conversations - whether they be about history, current events, race, family guy, or the freaking real housewives - I will do everything in my power to hold onto them.
my thoughts are complete contradictions...

Monotony

Today like yesterday

Tomorrow like today;

The drip, drip, drip
Of monotony

Is wearing my life away;

Today like yesterday,

Tomorrow like today.


—L. Hughes
i just want someone who will take me to the museum and I can bake for.

Someone to chill out with and listen to some Al Green and Isley Brothers with.

Someone to play pool with, to talk to, and just be comfortable and happy in their presence.


Wes Montgomery - "Mr. Walker"
I had one of "those" days again today. Those days where I think. Think and write. Think about my situation, where I'm living, how I'm lonely, and how I don;t have anyone here. Write about what I want and lust for.

Thinking and writing.

Lowkey sulking in the fact that I'm so lonely. Reveling in the fact that I don't succumb to expectations. And all the while wishing for "him"....smh.





*expect a lot of posts tonight*

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Last Weeks Nails



"Luna" and "Kelly" both by Zoya



*please excuse the mess around my nails. i didn't clean them before taking pics. lol

Friday, February 18, 2011

I want everything
But nothing at all.
I feel as though
I'm missing something
But I can't quit put my finger on what.
There is an emptiness in my life
I just can't figure out why.
I feel like
Something good is on it's way
But I lack the ability
To patiently wait...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I need to start incorporating music into this thing. When I first started it, I was focused on music only. Somehow I got away from that. So from now on, I'm doing at least one music post a week.

Just Because...



Herbie Hancock - Cantaloupe Island

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Words to Live By

I stumbled across this quote today, and have officially decided it is what I will now live by.



"Life is too short to be shy."



Simple, yet VERY relevant!!!

I need to stop being so damn shy. It's funny that I came across this cause I was just thinking of reasons why I'm so quiet. I came to the conclusion that I'm just afraid of being judged. I know that I'm not interested in a lot of things that people my age fawn over. I realize that I think different than most. I've come to accept that I'm attracted to things that aren't necessarily what everyone else likes. But instead of relishing in the fact that I'm different, I cower in the thought of those differences causing people to judge me.

I don't fear not being liked. I don't care that I'm different. I just don't want to be judged. I don't talk because I feel like people won't understand what I'm trying to say. Fear that I won't know how to effectively articulate my thoughts. Which in turn, will get me judged. i shouldn't care. It's wierd cause I don't care about the end result. If you don't like me, so be it. If you think I'm odd, good for you. But don't judge me. The whole thing makes no sense.

But like the quote says, life is too short. Too short for me to be afraid that people won't get me. Too short to expect people not to judge me. Too short to be shy....

Polish Post



I just had to post this. This is Paz after 5days with no top coat. do you see that!?! no chips. just basic wear and tear. love it!!!


*sorry bout the crappy photo. used my cell instead of my camera (i was at work)

Rainy Days

When I was younger, I was afraid of the rain. I had not so tramatic experience when I was younger. I'm not sure how old. When thinking about my past, everything is clumped into two times, almost like b.c and a.c (before Christ and after Christ). Mine is b.m (before my mom passed; so 7yrs or younger) and a.m (after my mom passed; so 8yrs and until I can remember ages).

But anyways, this post is not about that. It's about the rain. Well, rainy days.

When I was younger, I hated the rain. i would cower at the sound of rain drops hitting the roof. Cringe at every boom of thunder. My heart would race at the sight of a lightening flash. It was all bad.

As I got older, I learned to control this fear. Crying during 3rd period in high school because of some rain, was not a good look. So at school, I was good. Home, I'd revert back to being a young girl. Scared and trying not to cry.

Now, at age 21, I'm proud to say that I actually love these days. The grey overcast that takes over the once blue sky. The little drops of perspiration cleaning my dusty car. The cold chill that is stop in it's tracks at the sight of my jacket. I enjoy it.

There's nothing better than conquering your fears. That feeling you get when you revel in that one thing that once made you cower. Now a days, I hope for a rainy day. Cause there's nothing better than coming home, taking off your wet jeans and swapping them for some warm sweats, throwing on a movie, and plopping on the floor with a fresh bottle of nail polish....those rainy days that I once feared, I now, live for...

=)

Competition

I have a friend who is always trying to compete with me. Others say she's jealous, my parents included. I've chosen to be naive about it and just say it's simply competition amongst friends (except only one person is actually participating)

She's always tried to compete with me. In school, with boys, money, jobs, life. Everything, and always. forever trying to throw things in my face, with the assumption that I haven't experienced it, haven't acquired it, or don't know anything about it. We can not talk for months, and she'll call me up (txt me) and ask me if I want to go to the Coach store with her, just to show me she can "afford" it (in reality, she can't). What she doesn't know, is that I'm over Coach, and have my sights set on better stuff. She'll call me up to tell me about some guy or talk to me about a club she went to and blablabla, not knowing that I don't care about all that, and quit frankly, i been there done that and am now over it. We go out, and she brags about how many guys are looking her way and how last time she was there so many people we're trying to talk her. Then two seconds later, guys are trying to dance with me and offering to buy us drinks, but only if I say yes.

The whole thing is bizzare and I just don't get the point. She's competing with me, and I just don't want to. I mean competition can be good. It can force a person to push themselves when they usually wouldn't. My roommate is a self proclaimed competitor. She always has to get better grades than others. I think that's good. It forces her to excel in school. Her only problem is she only competes with people she knows she's smarter than, and therefore can easily beat. She doesn't compete with me (at least I don't feel like she does). I think it's cause she knows she won't win. We get similar grades and I don't even try (and I'm working every other day). She starts studying a week before a test. I read over my notes the night before. We both do well. I'm pretty sure she knows that if I actually chose to try, I'd annihilate the competition.

For some reason, my friend doesn't get that. I'm not trying and I'm beating her at her own game. I'm winning not only because I don't care, but also because I'm just doing me. And lets face it, me = awesome! lmao. But seriously tho. If I'm winning without doing a damn thing, imagine if I actually put in the effort....

Monday, February 14, 2011

QOTD

"The first step to wisdom is to begin by questioning everything; only by doubting everything can we be sure of anything. The last step to wisdom is coming to peace with everything; when we fight to be free we must see things how they are, and not how we want them to be."

For V-Day

I've never cared about Valentines Day. Never been bitter cause I didn't have a valentine. Never thought about what I would do for valentines day if I was in a relationship. To me, February 14th is/was just another day. In high school and grades prior, me and my friends would buy each other candy. Once in college, I unknowingly did other things, like get my industrial piercing on the 14th (i didn't even realize it, just picked a day and went). But still, it was nothing to get crazy over. Just another day.

I never and still don't understand people who get all sappy and pissy and bitter around valentines day. You mean to tell me that you're mad that you don't have anyone to be with on this one day of the year??? You must have your priorities all messed up.

I think there are two reasons why I'm not affected by this day.

Reason #1- I don't want a boyfriend. I know that seems weird, but it really isn't. Relationships take a lot. A lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of emotions, etc. So if I'm gonna be with some one, I have to feel like they're worthy of all the things I'm going to have to give to them. When I do decide to get in a relationship, I'm gonna give it 100%. So I don't want just a boyfriend. I want a man that I can give all of me to without hesitation. I don't ever want to question why I'm giving away my heart, my time, my energy, and my love. I want to give it unselfishly. And just a "boyfriend" does not deserve that. A special someone does. And I haven't met them yet.

Reason #2- Staying with valentines day only, since I was younger, my dad has always acknowledged valentines day for my mom, my sister, and me. Basically, I've never had a "valentine" in the commercialized sense of the word (a.k.a a lover, boyfriend, etc), but I had my dad. He would buy me a gift every valentines day. Even now, I get a call (well, this year I got a text...he thinks he's fancy. lmao. jkjk). So I've never needed a random guy to hook me up for this one day, my dad took care of it. I'd come home from school and there would be a purse (obviously picked out by my mom) or candy, or some type of gift.

So basically, I don't need to be upset or saddened by this day. I didn't care about getting a teddy bear on February 13th, so why should anything be different on the 14th.

One day I'll have a partner and I'm sure he'll "do it big" for me. But I won't really care. Yes, I'll be appreciative for whatever he decides to do. But if I'm in the type of relationship that I envision myself being in, one where we love each other more each day, make each other laugh and smile for no apparent reason, and do things for one other just because we can, than I don't see why valentines day would be such a big hype for us. Cause we would have already been celebrating our love everyday, sans the obnoxious gifts.


*sorry for the rambling-esque vibe, as well as bad use of grammar. this was not well thought out. lol

Sunday, February 13, 2011

i love when i'm writing, and i use a word that's not in my everyday vocabulary. i usually have no clue what the word means when i write it, yet it's always used in the perfect context....

Nail Color of the Week



"Paz" by Zoya (no topcoat and much brighter in person!)

I need to get my head together

I'm just really not on it.

I'm missing assignments.

Forgetting to pay bills. (Thank God my lights weren't turned off)

And just really messing up.

I think I'm just over it. I'm exhausted. I keep getting headaches. And I just really want to sleep.

02.13.11

i cried myself to sleep last night
And I'm not sure why.
i wasn't sad
I wasn't angry
There wasn't a single ounce of hurt
In my body.
Yet,
I cried
And I cried
Cried a beautiful stream
Of loneliness.
A loneliness that I couldn't physically feel
But it was there
And it poured its heart out last night
Right onto my pillow.

--Angela
"To Be Yourself In A World That Is Constantly Trying To Make You Something Else Is The Greatest Accomplishment"

- Ralph Waldo Emmerson

Saturday, February 12, 2011

another lonely night.

just me and my apt.
even my own thoughts have ditched me.
with no one to talk to, i'm desperately searching for thoughts.
but nothing is coming to mind.
i'm desperately trying to grab him
but he keeps leaving.
never have i been so melancholy
that my own dreams don't even want to be around me.

what's happening?

more importantly,
why is it happening?



As Seen on Etsy


jazzies and lilies





*Not on etsy, but still dope...seen here: indiegoespop

Thursday, February 10, 2011

i was just at target and saw some really cute shorts, dresses, and rompers in some very pretty colors. which got me to the conclusion that,this summer/spring, i wanna be more feminine. i want to wear dresses, shorts in pretty colors, maybe even a skirt. just really cute clothes that fit the season(s). hopefully target still has all those cute clothes on the sales floor when i actually acquire some money. lol
it's nights like this...nights when my brain is completely awake at 1 a.m and is hell-bent on writing and letting out as much as possible...that i live for.

nights like tonight, when i'm fighting the clock because i know i need to be alert for class in the morning...that make me.

these nights, that come out the blue, that are calm, yet antsy, and always full of life...these nights, let me know that i'm in need.

i'm in need of words. my lips have been silent for so long, and continue to be. but my brain, it never stops. the dreams, they refuse to cease. and since my mouth refuses to release them, they depend on my pen. depend on my keyboard. depend on my notebook. depend on words, to write them. and to let them be free.

and i, i depend on nights like this, the nights that they choose, seemingly out the blue, but not really...i depend on nights like this, to keep me sane
i can't remember the last time my brain wasn't at war with my dreams.

the constant bickering between the two is getting so annoying.

the optimism that lives in my dreams...and the reality that has hold of my brain...it can be too much at times.

my initial instinct is to shout in rage. yell to the heavens that i hate the way i think. but then, something happens.

in the midst of the anger, a calm sweeps over me and i thank God for making me this way. because although a good sense of the real is very much necessary in order to navigate through this cruel world, so are our dreams.

what is life without our dreams???

without optimism and something to strive for, what would be the point of pushing forward? why not just stop?

my dreams keep me going, while my mind keeps me focused, so i can actually work like this. and although i may sometimes get upset, and their constant competition may cause my head to ache from time to time, i am thankful. for if it weren't for the two of them, i would have no reason to be and no way to get there.
every time i hear the rev of a motorcycle, i get excited. even though i know he's not around, i still can't help but be alert the second that sound hits my ears.
they say, that if a guy is really interested in you, he'll approach no matter what.

he never did.

yet, i still can't get over him. after a year of eye tag and no words, i still can't get him out my head. i'm way past the crush stage, and deep into infatuation and un-normal territory. i know this. i tell myself all the time, that "if he wanted me, he wouldv'e spoke." but wouldn't have I? i wanted him, and i could barely look his way. but it's different. he's the man, he should have made the effort. but maybe he tried, and my eyes were so fixated on the ground and my legs moving so swiftly, that he couldn't....

but all this shouldn't matter. because he's gone. the last time i saw any sign of him was in december. and i've come to the conclusion that i won't ever see him again. the only problem is, my dreams don't believe that.

my dreams...my dreams. see, they believe he's gonna pop back up. they believe that i'll know his name before i leave here. hear his voice. touch his lips. even be one with him, all before i leave.

but me. me, i know better. but my dreams don't care. my dreams run me. and he runs my dreams. and if a = b, and b = c. then by the laws of mathematics, he, runs me.

my dreams have run rampant. they've gone so far, that now i'm starting to believe them.

when i first saw him, i knew i had to be in his life, and him, in mine. it was destiny. but a year or so later, it hasn't happened. i still don't know his name. his voice. his touch. his story. all these things that i immediately felt entitled to among first laying eyes on him, have somehow escaped me. and although i know i will have to go through life never knowing these things, my dreams refuse to believe it.

they refuse to let go. refuse to accept reality.

and like i said, my dreams...they run me.

so i guess i'll just go along with it....

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I went from this:




To this (some stuff missing):



In about a year. lol. That's crasy. But I'm still craving more. Specifically rings. I need to hop on it...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

2011

two months in, and i'm already more confident. already getting things done. two months in, and i'm optimistic. conditions still aren't ideal. but i'm trudging along. im knocking down goals. all i need is for "him" to appear, and man...i will have no words for the awesomeness that will be 2011. lmao

01.23.11

As you entered my body
For the very first time
The only emotion I could grasp
Was nothing.
As much as it hurt
And as bad as I should have felt
The only thought that crept through
Was nothing.
As I moaned
Cussed
And whispered your name
All I could think
Is nothing.
As I bled
In a painful bliss
There was just
Nothing.
In the day,
Night,
And even morning after
I still can’t explain
It’s just … nothing.
My mind replays it all day
My ears hear it through the silence
And when my eyes close
It’s there
Yet,
I still feel
Nothing.
I can’t explain why.
My heart knows
It should weep for you.
My body knows
It should have waited.
My brain knows
It should regret it.
But instead of being overcome with emotions
I am calm
And feel
Nothing.

--Angela

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Switching it up

As you can see, I decided to switch up the look and feel of my blog. When I first started this thing, I wasn't feeling too great. I was sad all the time and needed to get my thoughts out. That's why i chose the color black. Although I'm not exactly happy yet, I really felt like I needed to change this to reflect how I want to feel. Which is bright and new and confident. lol.
Hope you like the look. If not, who cares, cause I do! lol

Nail Polish of the Week

Today is a 2-fer. I did my nails on Sunday then decided to change it on Wednesday. So here they are:

1.


"Robyn" and "Tobey" both by Zoya

2.


"Crystal" by Zoya and "Bring on the Bling" by OPI

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Why I'm Here



i wake up every morning and think to myself, “why the fuck am i still in this city?”

then, i drive by the used car lot on the corner and stare at the black cadillac cts that’s been sitting in there forever, and am instantly reminded.

i hate school with a passion. ive never liked it. not once in my existence have i gone to school and been like i enjoy this place. not once! but one thing i do enjoy, is things. i love to have. when i go to sleep at night, i dream of having. leather jackets, jewelry, purses, dope living space, and the cadillac cts. my junior year of high school, my parents took me to the cadillac dealership and i saw an 06 cts in black. i instantly fell in love. it was about 34k. and that day, i decided i would have that shiit. so thats why im here.

im sure there are some people who never went to college and are doing just fine. but i dont wanna be just fine. im very much materialistic. and my parents, although not super wealthy, definitely got me accustomed to a certain lifestyle. and i wanna be able to uphold that for myself without the help of them or a man. i dont have the patience to be discovered, and im too smart to think that fast money is gonna last.

so as much as i hate school. i will push to get through it. because i can’t live life without. that shiit just aint me!

how do u know u had fun, if u dont remember it?

I get really pissed off when I think about people my age. When I look around, all Isee is the same people doing all the same shiit. Drinking, smoking, partying, and just all around fuckery. you mean to tell me that there's not a single person who is into something different?

it just makes no sense to me. why is our generation so damn simple. i know i’m generalizing. but damn. what is wrong with everyone. is there a reason why you can’t think for yourself and do what feels right to you. I know for a fact that not everyone gets the same euphoric feelings when doing the shiit that is deemed normal. ugh. lame ass, basic bitches. makes me sick…

*rant, OVER!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Gotta Get Out of Here

im tired of school. im tired of being ignored. im tired of being tired.

3 months and im out this place!!!!
why are u here again
but not really "here"?
i suceeded in getting rid of u
for longer than i thought
but now u've creeped back in
and i dont why.
i promised myself
i was gonna get over it
but,
now i'm back here in lala land
and to be honest,
ive never been that great at keeping promises...
So I woke up this morning (well, yesterday morning) feeling really down, and although I don't want to talk about what was bothering me (i have another post for that) i feel I must share something that has been in my head for a very long time, and really helped me get through this day and others.

A few weeks back some things happened with a relative of mine and he ended up in the hospital. He called me up and me and my sister, who was in town at the moment, went to check up on him. While we were there, we had a little talk with him and my sister said something that has been stuck with me ever since. She said "stop worrying about what you don't have, and start being thankful for what you do have."

Think about that for a second. I've been thinking about it long and hard. It's such a simple statement, yet carries sooo much value.

We're forever walking around complaining about how we can't pay this and how we don't have that and blablabla and we seem to lose sight of those things that we are blessed with.

So today, I'm making an attempt to change. Today instead of complaining about what I don't possess, I'm gonna speak praise for what I DO have.

I DO have a roof over my head
I DO have a job
I DO have a family that cares for me
I DO have parents who work very hard to make sure I never go without
I DO have a car
I DO have an education
I DO have clothes on my back and shoes on my feet
I DO have food in my house
I DO have some good people in my life
I DO have only 4 more months until I get my college degree
I DO have faith in the Lord
And I DO have a bright future ahead of me

I am extremely blessed! Despite my past and the devils many attempts to pull me down, I'm making it. I may not have everything I want, but I DO have everything I need, and so much more! For every don't in my life, there's about 3 DO's and for that I am so thankful.

I DO love the Lord. I DO love myself and my family. and I DO plan on being more thankful and less pitiful from now on!!!