Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Shopping Trip

I really can't stand anything in my closet anymore. I just feel like I have too mnay tshirts and ill fitting jeans.

So, today I decided to head out to the mall and see what I could find.

After being there for quit a few hours, I ended up with barely anything. I couldnt find a pair of jeans that fit me correctly, and only bought one shirt.

Although I couldn't find any cute clothes, I did get me some jewelry (of course. lol). I buy alot of jewelry, but I really had to share what I got today.

Rings and Earrings from H&M. Both necklaces from Forever 21.

I usually don't like to buy jewelry from Forever 21 because I don't like to see a bunch of people wearing the same ish as me. But when I saw those necklaces, I just had to have them. I couldn't even choose one, so I got both.

Here's a closer look:

Monday, October 25, 2010

Nail Color of the Week

This is actually last weeks nail art...but watev

Left Hand

Right Hand Funny

It seriously is.

I've come to a point where I can either laugh or cry. I sometimes choose to chuckle. Every once in a while, I won't do either.

Family dynamics, gender inequality, racial all makes for a laughable existence.

I won't get into detail about what's going on through my mind, but as I sit and assess my surroundings, think about my situation, and allow my mind to run wild, I seem to come to quite a few interesting conclusions. Most of which would make many people angry and many hurt. I, don't feel neither. I, feel nothing. I laugh, shake my head in content, and keep it pushing. If I didn't, I couldn't move on.

This is my life, and I'm living it.

Que sera, sera.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I Chose the Wrong Major

So I'm sitting in my Strategic Management class today, trying to pay attention as my professor explained our group project, and it hit me, I really shouldn't have been a business major.

I just really dont like it. I've seriously just been coasting through my classes. I don't retain the information because I don't care for any of it. I get good grades and pass all my classes because I just have a good memory and quite frankly, I'm just that darn smart.

But I just can't stand my major.

The only thing I'm actually interested in is the money. I love money. Not paper, just the ability it gives me. The ability to abtain the things that I like and the stress relief it gives me.

But as I sit through my classes, read over my notes, and read through my assigned chapters, I have to ask myself, "is it worth it?"

I dont know. I honestly won't know until my life really begins. Until I'm employed. Until I have a career.

I really hope that I chosethe right path. I know that given the current economic "situation," my business degree will definitely be a valuable asset in the real world. Let's just hope it will be a valuable asset to my sanity as well.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I am Unhappy


I'm a Virgin

I'm 21 years old and have never had sex. I've never even done anything sex related. No oral, no penetration, no hand jobs, dry humping, nada. All I've done is kiss...and not even that many people. Just one guy since I've been in college.

Sometimes I feel ashamed that I've never done anything. All these girls around me talking about what theyve done. Every blog, song, show, etc talking about it. I feel like I'm missing out.

Other times, I feel liberated. Knowing that in this sex filled age, I've been able to hold onto something so sacred. Knowing that I love and respect myself enough to wait until I've found someone worthy enough of giving something so precious. And most important (to me at least), knowing that I'm not some cliche. That I'm different and stand out from the rest.

The most prevelant and most frequent feelings are that of the former. I usually feel bad for not being "that" girl. Sometimes so bad, that I've often thought of calling up the ONE guy in sd who has actually shown some type of interest in me, and hooking up with him just because I know he'd do it and so that I can say I did it.

This guy chased me for about 2 or so years. And I gave him little to no play. Yet he still tried, and I let him. Not because I'm interested, but because there is no one else.

It's very selfish of me, but I kind of cant help it. I've been out here for a little over 3yrs now and I've only had about 3guys actually try to talk to me. One just wanted sex, the other did too but want so bold about it, and the last is the guy above.

So I answer every txt, i.m, and all of that just in case. Just in case I never find anyone. Just in case I can;t take it anymore and wanna give up my goods. At least I know he likes me, eventhough I don't like him.

This city is a trip. It makes me love myself and hate myself all in the same breath.

I can't help but wonder why no guys will talk to me.

I look in the mirror and see that my skin isnt look to great. I think to myself, that must be it. But then I'll see a girl with a face full of bumps with a boy on her arm...

I hop out the shower and watch my gut and love handles flop around. I think to myself, I'm too fat thats why. But then I'll see an ultra obese chick all boo'd up....

I think to myself, maybe I'm too shy and unapproachable. Then I see an ultra shy girl with a boyfriend.

I try to smile, but just get looked over...

I just dont know what it is. What is wrong with me, that all these girls have boyfriends and boo's, and I can't even get a simple hello.

I really just dont understand. And it's seriously getting to me. I'm lonely as hell. And it sucks!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I need to start working out again. Lately when I've been looking in the mirror, I haven't been liking what I'm seeing.

I think I might have gained weight. And I'm starting to feel real disgusting.

I don't feel comfortable in my body, and that is NOT okay.

It needs to change.

Hopefully this week I can get back on it. And start feeling good about myself again

I Turned 21 This Week

You'd think I'd be happy.

But I haven't been sadder.

In this city,

I have no friends

No family

No life

All I do is go to class, go to work, and fantasize about clothes, shoes, purses, jewelry, and "him"

I dont know what's wrong with me.

I dont want to go out. But I hate staying in.

People ask me to go party with them, and I graciously decline.
But I'll spend my whole day out at the mall by myself. And the whole time I'm there, all I can think about is how lonely I am.

I don't know whats wrong with me.

I feel so emotional, yet I have no emotions.

I feel like crying, but I have no tears.

I want to do something with myself, but I have zero energy.

All I think about is money, jewelry, and "him"

Not the him that lives in my mind, the "him" that is real and wont talk to me.

Bah...but enough about that...

I want to go home....excuse me....I NEED to go home.

These feelings cant be healthy. If I don't get some peace of mind, they'll become a hinderance. And I cant have that.....

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Lust Worthy



Juicy Couture



Melanie Lynn


Heartbreak is Inevitable

At some point in every persons life, they will suffer from some form of heartbreak. The most likely cause of this heartbreak will come from the one they thought they loved. It can and will happen to every single one of us.

I say this to myself all the time. I've even opened up and said it to those around me.

As much as we all like to think that we're above that (I - especially - like to think this way), we're all destined for this unfortuante fate.

I lack emotion. But even I know that there are just a few things in life that, no matter how hard you try to hide from it, it will catch you and you will feel it. These include, the inevitable "breakdown", the "lie", and of course, the whole purpose of this post, the "heartbreak - among others.

As I sit in my room, fantasizing about this man who has captivated my thoughts, even though I have yet to meet him, one thought seems to always creap in. That thought is that although I would love to meet him and live some fairy tale type romance, I kind of don't want to...

I've never had a boyfriend. And for very good reason. The whole relationship thing has just never been that appealing to me. I have never met anyone that makes me want to give them my time, my mind, my body, and my emotions. I;ve always felt that if I dont like some one enough to look past their flaws as well as my own selfishness, then there is no point in commiting to them. Because of this, I have remained single.

The only flaw with this type of thinking is fate....aka "heartbreak"

I've told myself that if I'm going to have my heart be broken by someone, they need to be the ish (in my eyes of course). I'm not gonna let some lame ass dude come in and screw me over. But by waiting for the guy that I fall head over heels for, and never having any type of test runs, that inevitable pain will hurt so much more.

What's my solution? Well, so far I've just been postponing the unavoidable.

Maybe that's why I dont look. If you look, you gotta smile. If you smile, they might wanna talk. If you talk, you both might fall. If you both fall, you might wanna commit. If you commit, you'll catch a bug (the love bug). When you fall in love, he'll eventually hurt you.

I'd really rather not deal with that.

Although I can't speak from experience, I imagine relationships are nothing but emotions. And since I'm not in touch with my emotions - and really dont wanna be - I'd much rather pass on that. Until, of course, I find someone who I yearn for so much that I'm willing to throw away all my previous convictions, and step into the world of the unknown.

Someone who I yearn for so much, that I'm willing to face the inevitable.

As humans, we face a few inevitable truths. One of them being pain. At some point in life, we will be hurt in the worst way.

I've managed to avoid this pain for years. I take my friends actions with a grain of salt. I tell myself that my family loves me, despite all the hurtful things they do. And I turn my head everytime a guy looks my way....

But I'm prepared for that least I hope I am

Friday, October 15, 2010

My People

*Inspiration for my next tattoo.

By : Langston Hughes

The night is beautiful,
So the faces of my people.

The stars are beautiful,
So the eyes of my people.

Beautiful, also, is the sun.
Beautiful, also, are the souls of my people.

Where the Sidewalk Ends

By : Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

Just A Thought

The worst feeling in the world
Is to be surrounded by people who care for you
But, still feel lonely and empty inside.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Lust Worthy

* I have a few lust worthy post that im dieing to upload. Im just xtremely lazy... But Ill get on it pronto

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Nail Polish of the Week

Same Essie color. With "Recycle" by China Glaze

Sunday, October 3, 2010


By : Me

Don’t play dumb with me
You’re just as sensitive as everyone else.
Those words
Those actions
They all hurt.
I can see it
I can feel it
You can lie and pretend all you want
But you care
I know you do.
Although they may not flow as free,
The tears are there
The pain is real
The feelings do exist

You are not a robot.

There are no parts
No plugs
Just a heart
And a soul.
So don’t play dumb with me
You’re just as sensitive as me
And just remember that it’s okay to let those tears flow free.