Nappy Head Pt. 2

Moving back home is gonna be difficult. Not because I won't have as much space or because I won't be free. But because my parents don't "understand" my hair.

Last night my mom said to me "whats up with the hair?" When I told her I liked it this way, she looked at me and said well you know it looks "nappy" right? I just looked at her. Had nothing to say. She then asked why I keep it like "that" and I told her it's cause I don't feel comfortable with my hair straight. I then proceeded to tear up and cry. I couldn't help it. I hate to cry, but at that moment I realized that this journey was no longer going to be easy.

I've been sheltered in SD. I'm out there with all those white people. If anyone says anything about my hair, it's usually a compliment. I can walk around my apt, shower cap on, dc-ing and pre-pooing in peace. Come June, I'll no longer be able to do that. Ridicule and side eyes await me at home.

I'm going to have to go at this alone in my house. Depending on the internet and my one friend to keep me from the flat iron. It sucks. I wish I had some sort of support at home. But I don't, and there is no use in crying over it (well, not anymore).

That conversation last night also showed me how necessary my t-shirt line is. Not just for me, but for anyone out there dealing with my same situation. Anyone being bought up in an environment where you're happiness in your uniqueness is being stifled by the systematic thoughts of a monolithic society. There is an official fire burning inside me. I thought I would be able to share my plans with my parents, but I know now that I can't. So I'll be going at it alone. And that's fine. I don't need a team behind me. Just a dream, a friend, and some faith, and I have all three.

I will be who God intended me to be. I will let my voice be heard. I will wear my hair natural and free. And I won't let anyone stifle me!


*s/n. I ended up lying to my mom and told her that I was crying because I was tired of being in school and SD all together. Which I am. I'm also nervous about what I'm going to do after school. How I'm gonna keep my bills paid, and etc. But not tired or nervous enough to make me cry. Those thoughts are easily forgotten with music and monster.com. lol

Nappy Head

I remember one time my dad called me nappy head. It hurt me so much so, that to this day I still bring it up in discussions with my mom and siblings. Not that time he whooped me, the lectures, or the countless times he’s told me off for whatever reason. I bring up that one moment. That one word hurt me so much. Not the word itself, but the negativity and malice surrounding it. Nappy. My hair is nappy, and kinky, and coily, and curly. It’s beautiful. But at that moment, it was hideous. Ugly. Negative. it was one of my many insecurities.

I used to hate going outside of my house when my hair wasn’t pressed. My skin would crawl. Stomach turn. Complete anxiety over the thought of anyone outside my family getting a glimpse of my nappy hair. This is how I, and countless other girls grew up. Being afraid to showcase our crowns. Looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly girl. Ignoring our beauty.

It’s hard being burdened with an ideal beauty. Being one of the only races who can’t submit. Black, nappy, and curvy growing up in a place that worships pale, straight, and thin. It’s damn near impossible to have any type of self esteem.

But I do.

I’m more comfortable in my naps than I’ve ever been. And it for sure ain’t easy. I’m the only one with super coarse hair. My step-mom’s side got Indian in they’re blood (like, for reals. they really do). So it’s easier to manage their hair. And even though my maternal grandfather is something (I think Mexican. his cousins are straight up Compton cholo’s), my daddy’s genes are strong and I’m as black as they come. I think the difficulty of it all, makes my mental victory that much sweeter. To stand up and love me, despite what I’ve been trained all my life. It is a wonderful feeling indeed.

So, to all the girls (and boys) out there who feel the sting of the phrase “nappy head,” i feel your pain. But know, that you are beautiful. Wear your crown proud, cause it is glorious. Revel in the uniqueness of your tresses. Stand up tall, confidence and self-esteem intact, and let the oppressors know, that you’re not succumbing to the “ideal” anymore!

As I get older, I'm realizing that I'm super sensitive.

But not about things that affect me. Say what you want about me, I’ll give you the side eye and keep it pushing. Try to knock me down, I’ll stand up, look you up and down, and continue on as I was (but better). Do these things to my brothers, my friends, the girl across the street, that guy I’ve never met, and I get completely livid. Hurt my brother, I cuss you out now and cry later. Call the President a fraud, I rant and weep.

I’m a sensitive ass female. Not for me, but for them. Maybe that’s a drawback of being a poet….

My t-shirt line is coming along fabulously

...in my head. lol

I need to start writing things down. Make it more concrete.

I also need a name for my line. and some money so I can get it off the ground.

I pray my enthusiasm and passion doesn't fade before I'm able to secure the funds to make this happen. I don't believe it will. But you just never know...

Thrifted

I had to go to the mall today to return some merchandise. Instead of taking the freeway, I decided to take the street all the way down, just so i could have a chance to relax and listen to music. On my way there, I spotted a Thrift Store. I told myself I would stop by on the way back home. I went there not expected to find anything. Instead, i ended up buying some jewelry. lol. In total, all 5 pieces came to about 13 something. There was another bracelet that I wanted, but I was being cheap and didn't want to spend 10 dollars on one single thing. I was also gonna get a new brooch too, but couldn't decide which one I wanted (I'm so indecisive). lol.

But yeah. I just wanted to share my purchase. I for sure want to thrift a lot more this summer.

I also picked up a crop top from the mall. I've never worn one before, so it should be interesting. lol

Just went through my notebook and noticed that I haven't written a legit poem in about a month. Just have a few random thoughts jotted down.

Damn. I am in desperate need of inspiration.


However, I did update the poetry blog. Just three old poems. Might add a few more later. I'm weird and like to stop at even numbers (last poem is #10. lol)

Anywho. You can read them here

Things I Want to Accomplish

• Find a good career before summer ends
• Explore Los Angeles county (and other CA counties)
• Paint
• Become a licensed nail tech
• Create my own t-shirt line
• Meet someone or experience something that inspires me to write everyday
• Befriend some handsome, cool, creative men (and women-minus the handsome)
• Publish my poetry (maybe)
• Be more open and friendly, and loving
• Get more tattoos
• Buy a new car
• Pay off all my credit cards

*might add more later

I want to paint

I've been wanting to paint for a while now. I'm not really sure why. But I have this overwhelming urge to just be creative. I'm no artist. But I do enjoy doodling (while I'm bored in class. lol).

I've come up with an idea to incorporate drawings and doodles into my poetry. I feel like it would be really fun to do.

My mind is everywhere. I'm getting excited for school to end and my life to start. So this is yet another reason for me to be excited for summer! =)


Until then, I'm gonna be glued to MS Paint. lol. And maybe some color pencils.



*this documentary I watched about Jean Michel Basquiat for sure is not helping my urges. lol

50 Things You Need to Give Up Today

Another dope article


Read Here

I Got My Cap and Gown Today

I'm so stoked. Graduation is getting closer, and I'm slowly starting to get started on my work. lol

Inspiration

*the eyeshadow....

Mini Adventure

So yesterday I went on a mini adventure to get some cookies. I was sitting in my room and out of nowhere, got the craziest craving for cupcakes. After searching the internet for a cupcake shop in san diego, i realized that there weren't any near me. While I was searching, I saw an add for Mrs. Fields cookies. My cravings then turned to cookies. Of course, there isn't a cookie shop around me (that would be too easy), so I decided to go to a place that I saw on Yelp. The place was about 10minutes away from me, and since I'm on Spring Break and didn't have anything else to do, I figured why not, and went!
The place is called Uncle Biff's California Killer Cookies






I got a 1/2 dozen, which comes with an extra cookie. I chose 2 Peanut Butter, 1 Peanut Butter with Chocolate Chips, 1 Chocolate Chip, 1 Chocolate Chip with Walnuts, and 2 Oatmeal with Walnuts





The chocolate chip (with and w/out walnuts) and the oatmeal with walnuts were fan-freakin-tastic! They were truly delicious. I personally could live without the peanut butter (very disappointing). The cookies are fairly pricey, but I thought it was worth it. Not like this is going to be a weekly indulgence.

I can't wait to go back!

countdown to graduation

1.5 months

7 weeks

47 days

33 classes

approx 56 hours of class




I made this widget at MyFlashFetish.com.

What is Wrong with our Generation Pt.1

What is wrong with us? Why is it that we refuse to be ourselves?

I notice on social networking sites, a lot of people will type things like "in lil waynes voice", "kanye shrug", etc etc. Why is this? You mean to tell me that you can't even type as yourself? you have to emulate some celebrity in order to get people to understand what you saying? you have to imagine certain things being said in some one else's voice in order to add emphasis? why? if we were having this conversation face-to-face, you wouldn't sound like lil wayne. you'd sound like you. so why do you feel the need to add that little footnote onto your facebook status?

I really don't get my peers. So enthralled by the internet and celebrities who don't give two fucks about them, they can't even type for themselves, let alone live like themselves. It's really sad. What happened to the individual? do they no longer exist? why is it all of a sudden cool to talk like someone else? smh.



*sorry if this post seems disheveled. i'm disheveled. i just don't understand our generation sometimes. just don't make no sense...

I feel like my blog is getting a little too random. But i don't know how to "clean" it up without stifling my thoughts....

definitely something I need to ponder


*edit*

so, I decided to create another blog. This blog will consist of all my poems and possibly some music. Feel free to follow if you'd like

Summer, Summer. Where art thou Summer???

I read this article on clutch, and it really got me to thinking. I really want more black female friends.

I don't have a lot of friends period, and quite frankly, I would prefer not to have too many. But I would like a group of black girlfriends to go to lunch with, text on a daily (make that weekly) basis, and just have fun with. I know that a good friend is just that despite the color of their skin or racial makeup. But there's something about having a friend that looks like you that, for lack of better terms, just feels "right".

Other races can't comprehend our struggle. They don't know how it feels to be alone in a room full of people. How it feels to be at the bottom of the social (and racial) barrel. I can't talk to my white roommate the way I can talk to my black bestie (ignore tha fact that one is just a roomy and the other actually a friend. you know where I'm going with this...). We as black women would hypothetically be more understanding than a woman of any other race.

With all that being said, it saddens me, that in my four years here I wasn't able to befriend a black female. I will definitely take the brunt of the blame. I'm personally not good at making friends. I'm shy, quiet, and would rather work than go out. However, I did actually go out of my way and out of my comfort zone to make friends. Went out to sorority stuff, smiled at every black face I saw, spoke first and tried to give a compliment. What I noticed, is that I really just don't fit in. Many of the blacks here are cliquey. They like to party. And if they've never seen you at a BSO meeting or any other similar club meeting, they won't even look your way. It sucks. They act as though if you don't get involved in that sort of stuff, then you're lesser than. And that is definitely not the case.

But whatever. In two months, I'm heading back to Long Beach. Hopefully me and the bestie can find us some home girls and be like "Girlfriends" (the show). lol

o_0 Could it be...

..that he's actually here? that he never left?

i honestly don't know what to make of this...

part of me hopes it was him and that I still have a chance.

the other part of me doesn't even wanna bother with it.




wowzers is the only word my mind can grasp

Random

Just needed to bookmark this "hairstyle"...seems easy enough for me to make an everyday style



(source)

03.08.11 - 12pm

Today is calm
Woke up early
Relaxed
Midterm at 11
Breezed through it
Took out a book
Relaxed
Class at noon and a half
Should go smooth
Have some lunch
Relax
And nap
Before class at 4
Should be long.
But today as a whole
Is just so lovely
Beautiful weather
Relaxed atmosphere
And so very calm.