Where are our leaders?

this is an excerpt from a "conversation" i am currently engaging in online. When the topic of who our generations leaders are, my response contained the following:

"i think our generations leaders will be discovered in the trenches. we can no longer look towards Hollywood or Capitol Hill or even the churches. There is too much money involved. and when money becomes a factor, the people's issues get pushed aside. I believe our leaders are the people who are tired of being looked down upon for being different. The women who are tired of being called nappy head because they refuse to burn their scalps. the men who don't want to smoke all day and chase pussy. These are going to be our leaders. They won't be found on our tv screens or in the white house. they're in our neighborhoods. they're our classmates. they're finding their voice. learning themselves. preparing for greatness. they have no interest in a reality show. no interest in materials or fame. they're main goal is to inflict change and understanding and resistance and individualism and revolution, one person at a time."

As I was typing that out, I realized that I want to be that leader. I want to be that person in the street preaching to the people. Letting them know that the media can not and should not define you. that you are great, regardless of what you are sold.

reason #3 for why I NEED to get this t-shirt line off the ground

*the fire keeps burning.

Nappy Head Pt. 2

Moving back home is gonna be difficult. Not because I won't have as much space or because I won't be free. But because my parents don't "understand" my hair.

Last night my mom said to me "whats up with the hair?" When I told her I liked it this way, she looked at me and said well you know it looks "nappy" right? I just looked at her. Had nothing to say. She then asked why I keep it like "that" and I told her it's cause I don't feel comfortable with my hair straight. I then proceeded to tear up and cry. I couldn't help it. I hate to cry, but at that moment I realized that this journey was no longer going to be easy.

I've been sheltered in SD. I'm out there with all those white people. If anyone says anything about my hair, it's usually a compliment. I can walk around my apt, shower cap on, dc-ing and pre-pooing in peace. Come June, I'll no longer be able to do that. Ridicule and side eyes await me at home.

I'm going to have to go at this alone in my house. Depending on the internet and my one friend to keep me from the flat iron. It sucks. I wish I had some sort of support at home. But I don't, and there is no use in crying over it (well, not anymore).

That conversation last night also showed me how necessary my t-shirt line is. Not just for me, but for anyone out there dealing with my same situation. Anyone being bought up in an environment where you're happiness in your uniqueness is being stifled by the systematic thoughts of a monolithic society. There is an official fire burning inside me. I thought I would be able to share my plans with my parents, but I know now that I can't. So I'll be going at it alone. And that's fine. I don't need a team behind me. Just a dream, a friend, and some faith, and I have all three.

I will be who God intended me to be. I will let my voice be heard. I will wear my hair natural and free. And I won't let anyone stifle me!


*s/n. I ended up lying to my mom and told her that I was crying because I was tired of being in school and SD all together. Which I am. I'm also nervous about what I'm going to do after school. How I'm gonna keep my bills paid, and etc. But not tired or nervous enough to make me cry. Those thoughts are easily forgotten with music and monster.com. lol

What is Wrong with our Generation Pt.1

What is wrong with us? Why is it that we refuse to be ourselves?

I notice on social networking sites, a lot of people will type things like "in lil waynes voice", "kanye shrug", etc etc. Why is this? You mean to tell me that you can't even type as yourself? you have to emulate some celebrity in order to get people to understand what you saying? you have to imagine certain things being said in some one else's voice in order to add emphasis? why? if we were having this conversation face-to-face, you wouldn't sound like lil wayne. you'd sound like you. so why do you feel the need to add that little footnote onto your facebook status?

I really don't get my peers. So enthralled by the internet and celebrities who don't give two fucks about them, they can't even type for themselves, let alone live like themselves. It's really sad. What happened to the individual? do they no longer exist? why is it all of a sudden cool to talk like someone else? smh.



*sorry if this post seems disheveled. i'm disheveled. i just don't understand our generation sometimes. just don't make no sense...

So I think I'm gonna decrease my social networking. i already deactivated my facebook and have been okay without it because I've been glued to Tumblr. But I'm gonna stop getting on to that so much. So that leaves me with blogs and books. So I'm sticking with that. I'll be blogging a little more (hopefully) and reading. I'm sure I'll find other things to occupy my brain as well. But yeah. That's that. Decreasing my social networking, increasing things that actually stimulate my brain.....

*just thought I'd share

I got to see my brother play for the first time a few weeks ago.
that dude is freaking amazing. so damn talented.

i never realized how close i am to my brothers. we don’t talk everyday. but when i’m home and i’m around them, i smile more than i ever have.

they’re annoying. they have these crasy ass conversations that i have to remove myself cause i just can’t. they try to make me listen to waka flaka cause they want me to be dumb. lol. but i love them. if i ever lost either one of them, i don’t know what i would do.

i miss them, and i want them to be proud of me. i want them to look up to me. i want them to see me succeed, and then strive to do the same. they’re not taking my exact path. they’re young, so they mess up. it’s natural. but i don’t judge them. i talk to them. try to encourage them. but never judge them. just love them, and thank God for them.

when i first moved, i was upset that i was no longer the youngest. i had these two dudes that i had to set an example for. i had to be nice to them. but i didn’t know how. i was so mistreated by the older boys (and girls). so i didn’t know how. but i learned. i went away to school, and i missed them. but most importantly, i learned how to care. how to be a big sister, and how to treat them. i learned that my heart is filled with so much love for them.

this past Christmas season, i cried for my brother. i was angered by the way they treated him. and i cried. at that moment i realized, how much i love him. i looked in awe at the other one. at how much he’s grown. how talented he is. and how much i love him too.

i have two older siblings, and i love them as well. but the bond i have with my younger brothers is just unreal. i love those dudes. and i’m just now realizing it….

Boring, mundane, basic conversations. I can't handle it anymore. I want to be mentally stimulated. Question my thoughts. Make me think. Push and make my mind go to places it doesn't often go to. I want knowledge. I want questions that I am incapable of answering. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want someone to look me in my eyes and force me to change my current way of thinking. Force me to mature. Force me to question the logic I've grown fond of.

It hasn't happened yet. But once I meet someone who is willing to constantly engage me in a good, complex conversations - whether they be about history, current events, race, family guy, or the freaking real housewives - I will do everything in my power to hold onto them.

my thoughts are complete contradictions...

i just want someone who will take me to the museum and I can bake for.

Someone to chill out with and listen to some Al Green and Isley Brothers with.

Someone to play pool with, to talk to, and just be comfortable and happy in their presence.

I had one of "those" days again today. Those days where I think. Think and write. Think about my situation, where I'm living, how I'm lonely, and how I don;t have anyone here. Write about what I want and lust for.

Thinking and writing.

Lowkey sulking in the fact that I'm so lonely. Reveling in the fact that I don't succumb to expectations. And all the while wishing for "him"....smh.

*expect a lot of posts tonight*

I want everything
But nothing at all.
I feel as though
I'm missing something
But I can't quit put my finger on what.
There is an emptiness in my life
I just can't figure out why.
I feel like
Something good is on it's way
But I lack the ability
To patiently wait...

Rainy Days

When I was younger, I was afraid of the rain. I had not so tramatic experience when I was younger. I'm not sure how old. When thinking about my past, everything is clumped into two times, almost like b.c and a.c (before Christ and after Christ). Mine is b.m (before my mom passed; so 7yrs or younger) and a.m (after my mom passed; so 8yrs and until I can remember ages).

But anyways, this post is not about that. It's about the rain. Well, rainy days.

When I was younger, I hated the rain. i would cower at the sound of rain drops hitting the roof. Cringe at every boom of thunder. My heart would race at the sight of a lightening flash. It was all bad.

As I got older, I learned to control this fear. Crying during 3rd period in high school because of some rain, was not a good look. So at school, I was good. Home, I'd revert back to being a young girl. Scared and trying not to cry.

Now, at age 21, I'm proud to say that I actually love these days. The grey overcast that takes over the once blue sky. The little drops of perspiration cleaning my dusty car. The cold chill that is stop in it's tracks at the sight of my jacket. I enjoy it.

There's nothing better than conquering your fears. That feeling you get when you revel in that one thing that once made you cower. Now a days, I hope for a rainy day. Cause there's nothing better than coming home, taking off your wet jeans and swapping them for some warm sweats, throwing on a movie, and plopping on the floor with a fresh bottle of nail polish....those rainy days that I once feared, I now, live for...

=)

Competition

I have a friend who is always trying to compete with me. Others say she's jealous, my parents included. I've chosen to be naive about it and just say it's simply competition amongst friends (except only one person is actually participating)

She's always tried to compete with me. In school, with boys, money, jobs, life. Everything, and always. forever trying to throw things in my face, with the assumption that I haven't experienced it, haven't acquired it, or don't know anything about it. We can not talk for months, and she'll call me up (txt me) and ask me if I want to go to the Coach store with her, just to show me she can "afford" it (in reality, she can't). What she doesn't know, is that I'm over Coach, and have my sights set on better stuff. She'll call me up to tell me about some guy or talk to me about a club she went to and blablabla, not knowing that I don't care about all that, and quit frankly, i been there done that and am now over it. We go out, and she brags about how many guys are looking her way and how last time she was there so many people we're trying to talk her. Then two seconds later, guys are trying to dance with me and offering to buy us drinks, but only if I say yes.

The whole thing is bizzare and I just don't get the point. She's competing with me, and I just don't want to. I mean competition can be good. It can force a person to push themselves when they usually wouldn't. My roommate is a self proclaimed competitor. She always has to get better grades than others. I think that's good. It forces her to excel in school. Her only problem is she only competes with people she knows she's smarter than, and therefore can easily beat. She doesn't compete with me (at least I don't feel like she does). I think it's cause she knows she won't win. We get similar grades and I don't even try (and I'm working every other day). She starts studying a week before a test. I read over my notes the night before. We both do well. I'm pretty sure she knows that if I actually chose to try, I'd annihilate the competition.

For some reason, my friend doesn't get that. I'm not trying and I'm beating her at her own game. I'm winning not only because I don't care, but also because I'm just doing me. And lets face it, me = awesome! lmao. But seriously tho. If I'm winning without doing a damn thing, imagine if I actually put in the effort....

02.13.11

i cried myself to sleep last night

And I'm not sure why.

i wasn't sad

I wasn't angry

There wasn't a single ounce of hurt

In my body.

Yet,

I cried

And I cried

Cried a beautiful stream

Of loneliness.

A loneliness that I couldn't physically feel

But it was there

And it poured its heart out last night

Right onto my pillow.

--Angela

another lonely night.

just me and my apt.

even my own thoughts have ditched me.

with no one to talk to, i'm desperately searching for thoughts.

but nothing is coming to mind.

i'm desperately trying to grab him

but he keeps leaving.

never have i been so melancholy

that my own dreams don't even want to be around me.

what's happening?

more importantly,

why is it happening?

it's nights like this...nights when my brain is completely awake at 1 a.m and is hell-bent on writing and letting out as much as possible...that i live for.

nights like tonight, when i'm fighting the clock because i know i need to be alert for class in the morning...that make me.

these nights, that come out the blue, that are calm, yet antsy, and always full of life...these nights, let me know that i'm in need.

i'm in need of words. my lips have been silent for so long, and continue to be. but my brain, it never stops. the dreams, they refuse to cease. and since my mouth refuses to release them, they depend on my pen. depend on my keyboard. depend on my notebook. depend on words, to write them. and to let them be free.

and i, i depend on nights like this, the nights that they choose, seemingly out the blue, but not really...i depend on nights like this, to keep me sane

i can't remember the last time my brain wasn't at war with my dreams.

the constant bickering between the two is getting so annoying.

the optimism that lives in my dreams...and the reality that has hold of my brain...it can be too much at times.

my initial instinct is to shout in rage. yell to the heavens that i hate the way i think. but then, something happens.

in the midst of the anger, a calm sweeps over me and i thank God for making me this way. because although a good sense of the real is very much necessary in order to navigate through this cruel world, so are our dreams.

what is life without our dreams???

without optimism and something to strive for, what would be the point of pushing forward? why not just stop?

my dreams keep me going, while my mind keeps me focused, so i can actually work like this. and although i may sometimes get upset, and their constant competition may cause my head to ache from time to time, i am thankful. for if it weren't for the two of them, i would have no reason to be and no way to get there.

every time i hear the rev of a motorcycle, i get excited. even though i know he's not around, i still can't help but be alert the second that sound hits my ears.
they say, that if a guy is really interested in you, he'll approach no matter what.

he never did.

yet, i still can't get over him. after a year of eye tag and no words, i still can't get him out my head. i'm way past the crush stage, and deep into infatuation and un-normal territory. i know this. i tell myself all the time, that "if he wanted me, he wouldv'e spoke." but wouldn't have I? i wanted him, and i could barely look his way. but it's different. he's the man, he should have made the effort. but maybe he tried, and my eyes were so fixated on the ground and my legs moving so swiftly, that he couldn't....

but all this shouldn't matter. because he's gone. the last time i saw any sign of him was in december. and i've come to the conclusion that i won't ever see him again. the only problem is, my dreams don't believe that.

my dreams...my dreams. see, they believe he's gonna pop back up. they believe that i'll know his name before i leave here. hear his voice. touch his lips. even be one with him, all before i leave.

but me. me, i know better. but my dreams don't care. my dreams run me. and he runs my dreams. and if a = b, and b = c. then by the laws of mathematics, he, runs me.

my dreams have run rampant. they've gone so far, that now i'm starting to believe them.

when i first saw him, i knew i had to be in his life, and him, in mine. it was destiny. but a year or so later, it hasn't happened. i still don't know his name. his voice. his touch. his story. all these things that i immediately felt entitled to among first laying eyes on him, have somehow escaped me. and although i know i will have to go through life never knowing these things, my dreams refuse to believe it.

they refuse to let go. refuse to accept reality.

and like i said, my dreams...they run me.

so i guess i'll just go along with it....

So I woke up this morning (well, yesterday morning) feeling really down, and although I don't want to talk about what was bothering me (i have another post for that) i feel I must share something that has been in my head for a very long time, and really helped me get through this day and others.

A few weeks back some things happened with a relative of mine and he ended up in the hospital. He called me up and me and my sister, who was in town at the moment, went to check up on him. While we were there, we had a little talk with him and my sister said something that has been stuck with me ever since. She said "stop worrying about what you don't have, and start being thankful for what you do have."

Think about that for a second. I've been thinking about it long and hard. It's such a simple statement, yet carries sooo much value.

We're forever walking around complaining about how we can't pay this and how we don't have that and blablabla and we seem to lose sight of those things that we are blessed with.

So today, I'm making an attempt to change. Today instead of complaining about what I don't possess, I'm gonna speak praise for what I DO have.

I DO have a roof over my head
I DO have a job
I DO have a family that cares for me
I DO have parents who work very hard to make sure I never go without
I DO have a car
I DO have an education
I DO have clothes on my back and shoes on my feet
I DO have food in my house
I DO have some good people in my life
I DO have only 4 more months until I get my college degree
I DO have faith in the Lord
And I DO have a bright future ahead of me

I am extremely blessed! Despite my past and the devils many attempts to pull me down, I'm making it. I may not have everything I want, but I DO have everything I need, and so much more! For every don't in my life, there's about 3 DO's and for that I am so thankful.

I DO love the Lord. I DO love myself and my family. and I DO plan on being more thankful and less pitiful from now on!!!

We're only 3wks into the new year and Im already feeling 10x more confident than I've ever been! Im loving my skin, my hair (in all its various states), my body, my brain and thoughts. Im just loving me, and it feels great!

As lonely as I am out here, it's nice knowing that I'm secure with myself. It's impossible to have someone love u when u dont even love yourself. I'm hoping that this year just gets better and better, and that I continue to love myself more and more. Hopefully this confidence and inner acceptance manifest itself on the outside and catches the attention of some wonderful people! =)

Sometimes I feel like an outcast.

I don't like to drink, go to clubs, party, etc.

I do my own thing. Don't follow. Just do what feels right to me.

I like to be with family. And have no problem ditching my friends to kick it with my brothers.


Sometimes not fitting in sucks.

But then I remember how dope I am for not being the same.

For not talking the same, thinking the same, and being able to think on my own.


I am an outcast, I dont fit in, and I dont want to.

I like that I know me. I like that I do things for me. And I LOVE that I'm able to feel comfortable in every situation I choose to put myself in.

I live with no regrets because I think and do for me and my family!