I Think I Need A Break

From white people...


I know that sounds max racist. but it's truley how I'm feeling right now.


Maybe not all white people. but the stuck up, snootie, im better than you, i think im the shiit ones.

I just cant take it anymore.


I cant take being the only black person in a full class.


I cant take the stares. I cant take the rude-ness. And I cant stand being blantaly ignored.


As much as it sucks, I can't even be that mad at them..
I feel like they dont even do it on purpose. Theyre probably just so used to being that way, that it just comes natural.



Today in class we did an activity. We basically taped a piece of paper on our back with a bunch of traits, and our classmates had to put a check next to the word or words they felt described us. The words included "intelligent, clever, creative, likeable, calmness, confident" among others.

Out of all the people who did mine, not one put a check on intelligent. For some reason that really bothered me. I know I dont talk alot, but neither does more than half the class. And I know not everyone knows me, but seriously....I put a check by intelligent on every person I talked to. I mean we're freaking business majors. All in upper division. All about to graduate. So we're all obviously pretty damn intelligent.

It just kind of hurt that no one thought that I was. Or no one thought to check it. Maybe it's cause my big hoops and twist. Or tattoos and piercings. Or maybe it's "something else" (I'm not even gonna say it, but you know what I'm thinking)....

But yeah, I just really needed to get that off my chest. I dont have anyone to talk to out here. My roommates cool, but she's white, so she wouldnt understand. And I just dont have anyone out here that I'm close enough to to really "vent" to...



I'm in a very lonely place. Where no day is any better than the last. For right now, I'm just working and trying to pass my classes so I can get the hell out of here. Even if I never meet some really good friends (which to be frank, I dont think I ever will), I'll at least be with family. So I'll be a little happier....

Nail Color of the Week

Both colors by Essie: "Tart Deco" and "Chinchilly"


*My cell phone doesnt do a great job at capturing the colors..."Tart Deco" is much more bright in real life.

Untitled...Again

By : Me

I don’t think they like me.

They won’t sit next to me
They won’t talk to me
Barely even look at me when I walk by.

I hate to say it,
But I think it’s cause I’m black
Cause my hair’s dark and nappy
My skin’s dark and smooth
My lips big and beautiful
My voice soft and powerful.

Cause I’m on their level
Accomplishing the same things they are
Cause I have a strength they’ll never possess
Nor will they ever understand
And an anger they’ve come to expect
But never get to see.

I don’t think they like me.
And quite frankly,
I don’t think I care.

Another Untitled One

By : Me

I feel empty inside.
I’m forever trying to change
But never feeling fulfilled.

Something’s missing in my life,
But I don’t know what.

I like to think that I’m not superficial
So it can’t be material things.
I like to think that I don’t “need” anyone to make me happy
So it can’t be people.
I like to think that I’m over reacting
But I know how I feel
And I definitely feel empty.
Feel sad.
Feel incomplete.

I just wish I knew what was missing.

Untitled

By : Me

I have an insatiable urge
To write about “you.”
The “you” that actually exist
Not in my head
But in real life.
The “you” that I don’t know
Because I’m too afraid to speak.
The “you” that I haven’t met
Because every time I see “you”
I get nervous and look away.
The “you” that I haven’t spoken to
Because whenever I get any type of confidence and decide that
‘Today is the day that I’ll speak up (or at least wave)’
“You” disappear and I don’t see “you” for days.
The “you” that has no name
-Well, not a name that I’ve gotten to know.
The “you” that makes my heart stop when we lock eyes
And my stomach turn when you look my way.
The “you” that I’m trying to ‘get over’
Because I’m convinced you’re seeing someone.
The “you” that I still wanna meet
Because, well, maybe you’re not
And if I miss another opportunity
I won’t even know what to do with myself.
The “you” that I’ve managed to write about
Without ever even hearing your voice.

Damn, now that’s some kind of grip
“You” have on “me.”

Lust Worthy

*All these pics are random stuff that I have saved on my computer....enjoy

My Pride

By : Me

My pride
My pride keeps me from speaking up when something’s on my mind
For fear of what one might think of my words.
My pride inhibits me from looking up
For fear of what one might say when they look in eyes.
My pride stops me from putting on “that” outfit
For fear of how one might stare when they see me in it.
My pride won’t let me be happy with my daydreaming ways
For fear that someone will walk by and kill my high.
My pride is in direct correlation
With the fear that I swear I don’t have
The fear of what people think of me
The fear of just being me
The fear of loving me
In pure form.
 

Untitled

By : Me

I hate being the only black person in class.
Whenever the teacher mentions anything about black people;
It seems as though everyone turns around and looks.
It makes me feel uneasy.

I’ve gone to their parties – if you can even call them that
They sit around and drink
Hook up with random people
Some even do drugs.
I tried it for a while.
But I’ve come to realize
That it’s not my scene.

I’ve tried to associate with some of the black people here
But they’re fake.
They hang in cliques.
It reminds me of high school.
Some of them try to keep up with their pale peers
So I’m sure their parties are just the same.

Other races are kind of cool.
We chat in class
But they don’t understand me
The way I’d like them to.
So I never get too close.

I’m out of my element.
So rather than keep up,
I stay to myself.

I go out when I want
I drink when I want
I talk, socialize, and be typical
When I choose
Not when they do.

I occupy my time by focusing.
School comes first,
Then money.

And when I find time in between,
I focus on myself.

Understanding who I am,
Who I want to be
And forever staying true to me.

Quote of The Day

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."

-Brother David Steindl-Rast

My Identity

I dont really care for this "poem"...but a promise is a promise....

By : Me

How do you identify me?
By my skin color
My gender
My clothes
My age
My tattoos
My hair
My occupation
My intelligence?

How do I identify me?
By my thoughts
My dreams
My family
My race
My culture
My background
My neighborhood?

How am I supposed to identify me?
What is an identity?
What makes me, me?

As a 20year old college student
Am I supposed to identify myself through the company I keep
Or by those that I don’t?
Am I supposed to dress a certain way
So that they know to view me in a certain light
Does the way I speak, look, act, etc
Create a sort of bias in the eyes of the identifier
If so,
Does that mean by trying to be identified
They’ve created a stereotype?
Do I identify me in the criteria of a stereotype?

What is my identity?
How do I identify me?
I don’t.
I just do me
And let everyone else do the work.

My New Purchase

I just feel like sharing my new purchase....I got these the other day. They had been calling my new for a long time. And I finally decided to get them. I had a coupon that could be used on brands that NEVER go on sell. Plus I got my employee discount (that's me rationalizing the purchase. lol)





Theyre Betsey Johnson. I got them from Macys and they were the last pair.

Theyre freakin AWESOME...now I just need more gold jewelry to go with em. lol

My Hair, My Crown (The Poem)

By : Me

A woman’s hair
Is supposed to be her crowning glory
But our hair is our cloak of shame.
A wooly, kinky, coily masterpiece
That if treated right
Can be shaped and sculpted into a ball of beauty.

But they won’t let us have that

They feed us images of straight
Chemical, weaved up, sewn up, permed up
Dyed hair

That is beauty.

Stringy, blonde, one trick pony
That can’t be touched.
They feed us an ideal.
An ideal beauty
That is a direct contradiction
Of our own natural grandeur.
Our natural, kinky mane
That is more diverse and gorgeous than it’s “allowed” to be

Blonde, brunette
Bed head, messy, side pony

Black, brown
Twisted, afro, French braids, fresh press
They wish they had our ball of mess.

When they look at my naps with a side eye
I grin.
Because I know that my kitchen can create
More beautiful styles than their string.

So as I maneuver in a chemical based
Weaved up, keep up with YT world
I chuckle.
Cause while they’re marching in line
Conforming and losing themselves
I’m nurturing my wholeness
And loving me.

A Week of Poetry

Every once in a while, I'll get into a crasy poetic mood.

I'll be sitting around, being normal...then BAM. My mind is taken over by melodic thoughts

It happens out the blue. I'll write so many poems. Sometimes for 30minutes....sometimes for hours. I cant sleep until every word, every pro, every thought is written out in its entirity.

Then, I won't write for months. It's quit strange. But I kind of love that my mind works like this....

Well, a few nights ago, Iwas overtaken. After a looong drought/witers block, I was able to write about 5/6 (maybe 7) poems in just a few hours.

I've decided to share these writings with you. I'll be posting one a day for the whole week...


And since this blog is conviently titled "To Poetry and the Rose", I decided that I need to get back to my roots and start posting more poems. I've managed to stray away and I really want to get back on track. So I'm gonna try my hardest to post a poem a week.

Things I Want

I've been compiling a list of things that I really wanna buy once I get enough money...it's mainly clothes and shoes. i was also want some jewelry, but that deserves its own post. ;)




Cargo Pants



Flannel Shirt



Underwear



Cute bra



Cute Cardigan



A piar of maoccasins



More Threads 4 Thoughts t-shirts (they fit sooo freakin good)





Clothes from Pink by Victoria Secret


And of course



Money, so I can actually pay for it all.




*Jewelry post coming soon...

Hair Post

On Monday I decided to twist my hair for the first time.

The night before I washed and deep conditioned my hair. I then put Organic Root Stimulator Olive Oil Hair Lotion in my hair and detangled it. Then put in about 7 french braids going all the way back. I let my hair air dry over night (and all through the day).


That night, I took out the french braids, parted my hair into four sections, and just dived right in. I've never twisted my hair before, so it was definitely an experience. I decided to do flat twist in the front on one side and individual twist every where else. In all, it took me about an hour and 45min. I was txting, talking, and taking breaks here and there, so it took me a little longer than it probably should have.


Here's the final result :

Flat twist on the side



Individuals








I'm seriously gonna be wearing this style all the time now. Im talking literally every week. I may try a twist-out style, but this is definitely my new "go to". lol

Today, I Waved

Then I laughed hysterically....

Then I felt like a tard....


Then I laughed again....

Then I regretted it.....


Laughed a whole lot more.....

Wished I never did it....

Got over it......


Then decided I was gonna try to avoid him as long as I possibly can. lmao







Then I typed out this post and remembered just how awkward/dumb I felt for waving.

Quote of The Day

"When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest. I know I am swimming in a hallowed stream where many have gone before. I am not alone, crazy, or having a nervous breakdown.... My heart is at work, my soul is awake."

- Mary Margaret Funk, writer.

A (Fairly) Quick Hair Post

I really want my hair to be healthy. So, in order to achieve this, I've decided to implement a healthy hair regime and stop pressing my hair so much. Both steps are in the beginning stages..lol

I've decided that my regime will include weekly prepoo's and deep conditioning treatments. For right now my prepoo consist of castor oil and extra virgin olive oil mixed into V-05 conditioner. Once I get more money, I plan on adding more Jojoba oil, Lavender oil, vitamin e oil, and honey to the mixture.




As far as styling goes, since I wont be pressing it much, I need to find new ways to style it. I'm thinking about doing twists (which I've already tried - and it came out quite well if i may say so myself. lol), twist out, my go-to pony tail, and others.

Some styles I was 'semi'-working on. lol :







Other styles I'd wanna try out :







Now I just need some money so I can buy the products neccessary to do these styles. lol

Nail Color of the Week

"Splash of Grenadine" by Essie



The ring is by Obey. I've been wanting for the longest and I finally decided to get it right before i started my no shopping month. I freaking LOVE IT!!!


here's a better view:

Please Excuse my Scarf. lol

I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time last week. I never really paid attention to them, but I've actually gotten a few compliments on how good they look. So apparently eyebrows are a big deal...who knew. lmao

They came out nice, and it really didnt hurt. My only complaint is that it broke me out. I now have a few bumps in between the two brows. and it is NOT cute. lol


before:




after: