I Think I Need A Break

From white people...


I know that sounds max racist. but it's truley how I'm feeling right now.


Maybe not all white people. but the stuck up, snootie, im better than you, i think im the shiit ones.

I just cant take it anymore.


I cant take being the only black person in a full class.


I cant take the stares. I cant take the rude-ness. And I cant stand being blantaly ignored.


As much as it sucks, I can't even be that mad at them..
I feel like they dont even do it on purpose. Theyre probably just so used to being that way, that it just comes natural.



Today in class we did an activity. We basically taped a piece of paper on our back with a bunch of traits, and our classmates had to put a check next to the word or words they felt described us. The words included "intelligent, clever, creative, likeable, calmness, confident" among others.

Out of all the people who did mine, not one put a check on intelligent. For some reason that really bothered me. I know I dont talk alot, but neither does more than half the class. And I know not everyone knows me, but seriously....I put a check by intelligent on every person I talked to. I mean we're freaking business majors. All in upper division. All about to graduate. So we're all obviously pretty damn intelligent.

It just kind of hurt that no one thought that I was. Or no one thought to check it. Maybe it's cause my big hoops and twist. Or tattoos and piercings. Or maybe it's "something else" (I'm not even gonna say it, but you know what I'm thinking)....

But yeah, I just really needed to get that off my chest. I dont have anyone to talk to out here. My roommates cool, but she's white, so she wouldnt understand. And I just dont have anyone out here that I'm close enough to to really "vent" to...



I'm in a very lonely place. Where no day is any better than the last. For right now, I'm just working and trying to pass my classes so I can get the hell out of here. Even if I never meet some really good friends (which to be frank, I dont think I ever will), I'll at least be with family. So I'll be a little happier....

Nail Color of the Week

Both colors by Essie: "Tart Deco" and "Chinchilly"


*My cell phone doesnt do a great job at capturing the colors..."Tart Deco" is much more bright in real life.

Untitled...Again

By : Me

I don’t think they like me.

They won’t sit next to me
They won’t talk to me
Barely even look at me when I walk by.

I hate to say it,
But I think it’s cause I’m black
Cause my hair’s dark and nappy
My skin’s dark and smooth
My lips big and beautiful
My voice soft and powerful.

Cause I’m on their level
Accomplishing the same things they are
Cause I have a strength they’ll never possess
Nor will they ever understand
And an anger they’ve come to expect
But never get to see.

I don’t think they like me.
And quite frankly,
I don’t think I care.

Another Untitled One

By : Me

I feel empty inside.
I’m forever trying to change
But never feeling fulfilled.

Something’s missing in my life,
But I don’t know what.

I like to think that I’m not superficial
So it can’t be material things.
I like to think that I don’t “need” anyone to make me happy
So it can’t be people.
I like to think that I’m over reacting
But I know how I feel
And I definitely feel empty.
Feel sad.
Feel incomplete.

I just wish I knew what was missing.

Untitled

By : Me

I have an insatiable urge
To write about “you.”
The “you” that actually exist
Not in my head
But in real life.
The “you” that I don’t know
Because I’m too afraid to speak.
The “you” that I haven’t met
Because every time I see “you”
I get nervous and look away.
The “you” that I haven’t spoken to
Because whenever I get any type of confidence and decide that
‘Today is the day that I’ll speak up (or at least wave)’
“You” disappear and I don’t see “you” for days.
The “you” that has no name
-Well, not a name that I’ve gotten to know.
The “you” that makes my heart stop when we lock eyes
And my stomach turn when you look my way.
The “you” that I’m trying to ‘get over’
Because I’m convinced you’re seeing someone.
The “you” that I still wanna meet
Because, well, maybe you’re not
And if I miss another opportunity
I won’t even know what to do with myself.
The “you” that I’ve managed to write about
Without ever even hearing your voice.

Damn, now that’s some kind of grip
“You” have on “me.”

Lust Worthy

*All these pics are random stuff that I have saved on my computer....enjoy

My Pride

By : Me

My pride
My pride keeps me from speaking up when something’s on my mind
For fear of what one might think of my words.
My pride inhibits me from looking up
For fear of what one might say when they look in eyes.
My pride stops me from putting on “that” outfit
For fear of how one might stare when they see me in it.
My pride won’t let me be happy with my daydreaming ways
For fear that someone will walk by and kill my high.
My pride is in direct correlation
With the fear that I swear I don’t have
The fear of what people think of me
The fear of just being me
The fear of loving me
In pure form.
 

Untitled

By : Me

I hate being the only black person in class.
Whenever the teacher mentions anything about black people;
It seems as though everyone turns around and looks.
It makes me feel uneasy.

I’ve gone to their parties – if you can even call them that
They sit around and drink
Hook up with random people
Some even do drugs.
I tried it for a while.
But I’ve come to realize
That it’s not my scene.

I’ve tried to associate with some of the black people here
But they’re fake.
They hang in cliques.
It reminds me of high school.
Some of them try to keep up with their pale peers
So I’m sure their parties are just the same.

Other races are kind of cool.
We chat in class
But they don’t understand me
The way I’d like them to.
So I never get too close.

I’m out of my element.
So rather than keep up,
I stay to myself.

I go out when I want
I drink when I want
I talk, socialize, and be typical
When I choose
Not when they do.

I occupy my time by focusing.
School comes first,
Then money.

And when I find time in between,
I focus on myself.

Understanding who I am,
Who I want to be
And forever staying true to me.

Quote of The Day

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."

-Brother David Steindl-Rast

My Identity

I dont really care for this "poem"...but a promise is a promise....

By : Me

How do you identify me?
By my skin color
My gender
My clothes
My age
My tattoos
My hair
My occupation
My intelligence?

How do I identify me?
By my thoughts
My dreams
My family
My race
My culture
My background
My neighborhood?

How am I supposed to identify me?
What is an identity?
What makes me, me?

As a 20year old college student
Am I supposed to identify myself through the company I keep
Or by those that I don’t?
Am I supposed to dress a certain way
So that they know to view me in a certain light
Does the way I speak, look, act, etc
Create a sort of bias in the eyes of the identifier
If so,
Does that mean by trying to be identified
They’ve created a stereotype?
Do I identify me in the criteria of a stereotype?

What is my identity?
How do I identify me?
I don’t.
I just do me
And let everyone else do the work.