Monday, October 18, 2010

I'm a Virgin

I'm 21 years old and have never had sex. I've never even done anything sex related. No oral, no penetration, no hand jobs, dry humping, nada. All I've done is kiss...and not even that many people. Just one guy since I've been in college.

Sometimes I feel ashamed that I've never done anything. All these girls around me talking about what theyve done. Every blog, song, show, etc talking about it. I feel like I'm missing out.

Other times, I feel liberated. Knowing that in this sex filled age, I've been able to hold onto something so sacred. Knowing that I love and respect myself enough to wait until I've found someone worthy enough of giving something so precious. And most important (to me at least), knowing that I'm not some cliche. That I'm different and stand out from the rest.

The most prevelant and most frequent feelings are that of the former. I usually feel bad for not being "that" girl. Sometimes so bad, that I've often thought of calling up the ONE guy in sd who has actually shown some type of interest in me, and hooking up with him just because I know he'd do it and so that I can say I did it.

This guy chased me for about 2 or so years. And I gave him little to no play. Yet he still tried, and I let him. Not because I'm interested, but because there is no one else.

It's very selfish of me, but I kind of cant help it. I've been out here for a little over 3yrs now and I've only had about 3guys actually try to talk to me. One just wanted sex, the other did too but want so bold about it, and the last is the guy above.

So I answer every txt, i.m, and all of that just in case. Just in case I never find anyone. Just in case I can;t take it anymore and wanna give up my goods. At least I know he likes me, eventhough I don't like him.

This city is a trip. It makes me love myself and hate myself all in the same breath.

I can't help but wonder why no guys will talk to me.

I look in the mirror and see that my skin isnt look to great. I think to myself, that must be it. But then I'll see a girl with a face full of bumps with a boy on her arm...

I hop out the shower and watch my gut and love handles flop around. I think to myself, I'm too fat thats why. But then I'll see an ultra obese chick all boo'd up....

I think to myself, maybe I'm too shy and unapproachable. Then I see an ultra shy girl with a boyfriend.

I try to smile, but just get looked over...

I just dont know what it is. What is wrong with me, that all these girls have boyfriends and boo's, and I can't even get a simple hello.

I really just dont understand. And it's seriously getting to me. I'm lonely as hell. And it sucks!

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